Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.