I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
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thank god the sign was there
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
jesus, what did this guy do
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.