Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
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“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.