You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
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Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.