Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
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I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
LOL
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos