Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
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Need tips on making something look like an accident.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I am patiently waiting for your email