How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
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Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats