Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
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I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
⛄️
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.