‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
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My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.