kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
You Might Also Like
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Traveler’s camo
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING