Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
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1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
My flabber has been gasted.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.