Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
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Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”