Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
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I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
work smarter, not harder
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh