ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
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feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy