“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
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Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Baking is just science you can eat.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.