Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
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Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
From my Mom
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
My flabber has been gasted.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!