A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
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(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.