Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
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[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Merry Christmas
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I’m not average. I’m mean.