I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
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My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
🤣😈🤣
…..pretty much.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Thinking about Jeff
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
this is literally a CIA plant
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.