asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
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WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”