Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
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I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Sponch
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.