[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
You Might Also Like
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
the three genders
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.