Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
You Might Also Like
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
bury ourselves
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *