I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
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my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
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the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline