If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
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There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Every. Damn. Time.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.