My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
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Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Fries, not lies.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Me trying to walk in a dream
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Well, shit
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”