I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
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“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.