I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
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Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox