My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
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My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Why are bridges so flammable.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house