[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
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FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed