Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
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When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”