Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
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“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it