Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
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Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
can’t talk my ride’s here
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
guys I’m going home
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube