Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
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This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Shower sex be like:
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
The funk soul brother
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.