Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
You Might Also Like
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom