Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
You Might Also Like
the composer
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
These are my roll models.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
😅🤣😂
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*