OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
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CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*