I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
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I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital