Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
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Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.