Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
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You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Botany good plants lately?
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.