My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
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“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.