MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
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It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.