Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
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like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
let’s discuss
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Living the best life.. 😊
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I can’t wait!
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?