It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
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The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
This is true.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.