I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
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They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra