me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
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“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture