[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
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Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
I’m pretty like a car crash.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?