Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
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*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
😩😩😩
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
I only treason on days ending in y
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them