DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
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She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Tell the colonel to bring it
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months