[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
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Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia